I woke up this past Friday morning with the biggest weight on my shoulders. I have to do this, I have to do that, I still haven’t gotten this done, I still need to do that… Oh my goodness… how come none of this stuff got done this week??? Then I look at my week… which was filled to the max with “things to do”… for both me and friends’ businesses. And yet, here I am, feeling like I got absolutely nothing done at all. I am exhausted with my own story, this story – of doing so much and feeling like I did nothing – time and time again. This pattern has got to transform or I am going to go crazy. (side note: i might already be crazy?!?! )
Either way, there seems to be this imaginary burden on my shoulders that does not Truly Exist. And there seems to be a belief/story here where I can see what I do for others, but cannot see what I do for myself. WHY and HOW could I think for one second like I got nothing done or DO nothing for my own business – or even yet – WHERE did this belief/story come from??? WHAT is this imaginary burden I have placed upon my own shoulders???
I allowed myself to feel the anxiety that was coming up on Friday, all day, all night.
I allowed myself to be Vulnerable.
I opened myself up to every uncomfortable feeling and followed it through with looking at its Truth.
I forgave myself for feeling so frustrated, irritated, short-ended, behind, stupid, sad.
I embraced, well, actually no I didn’t, not yet at least… I allowed, big difference…
I allowed myself to just be in this state, this irritating, frustrating, and almost losing my sh*t state… it felt ssssoooooooo uncomfortable… I laughed about it, I cried about it, and all the while, was still able to fully recognize and admit that I had created all of these feelings, I created all of this. (face palm, uugghhh!) There is no one out there in the world who is judging where, why, when, and how I am doing anything in my life. I am the only one doing that. There is no one with some giant check-list seeing what I am getting done and then grading me on it. I have no one to look at for feeling these ways, but myself. Truly, only myself. I know this. Yes, some of these ways are conditioned in our minds by society, upbringing, and our inherent cultures, but ultimately, I am responsible for my own feelings. I am the only one that can allow myself to feel anything I’m feeling.
I forgive myself for feeling so Vulnerable.
I am a huge advocate for “feeling your feelings” which could go hand in hand with Vulnerability, but after seeing Brené Brown in her TED Talk in Houston, I see Vulnerability with New-Fresh eyes. She brings up Courage, Compassion, and Connection… and Empathy and Shame. She states about Courage, that it came from the Latin word “Cor” meaning “Heart”. And it was said that it came from “Telling the story of ‘who you are’ with your Whole Heart.” What could be more Vulnerable than that? And more timely to hear, because I am exactly here… I am telling my story with my Whole Heart. All the time, every where I go. I will type it up and share it here, it’s on the “list”, haha! It is exactly what I am about to do in my business as well… I am so here… I am so in this.
I am willing to Embrace this Vulnerability. Here we go. (inner voice screams: ahhhh, no go back to the safe zone, back to the safe zone!!!)
After that Vulnerability TED Talk in Houston, (linked above) Brené Brown had another amazing TED Talk, Listening to Shame. She quotes: “Vulnerability is the Birth Place for Creativity, Innovation, and Change.” Her talks are quite brilliant, she has a really fun sense of humor too.
It has been cloudy* and rainy all weekend, and although I didn’t see it today, I know the Sun was behind those heavy rain clouds… beyond what my eyes could see at the present moment. Even while I feel Vulnerable and it feels like heavy rain clouds, internally… I know that beyond what I may feel at the present moment is the Truth of who I am, my Whole-Heart.
Hope you have a Whole-Hearted week.
Huuuge Heart Hugs to you,
*Here is a peek into my Cloud Collection of photos… these have all been taken in the past few years… the details of the photo show up if you place your mouse over the photo.